I've been waiting, wondering what this final week before the trial would be like. I'm falling apart, but not quite in the way I expected.
My stomach hurts.
I'm sedated.
My feet are in constant motion, which interests me in a detached sort of way. In the past, whenever I've had surgery, or had a baby, or endured some very painful event, my feet start to fidget. I'll be laying in a hospital bed, and I notice it: I've been moving my feet, moving, moving, moving...constant motion without even realizing it. Whenever it happens, I know I'm in trouble, the pain is out of control.
That's how I'm beginning to feel. My pain is getting out of control. But this time there are no narcotics for me. No morphine, no demerol, no temporary oblivion.
It's more than the fear, the fear of testifying. This pain is in reliving the murder; the murder of one friend and the annihilation of another. The pain of realizing that so many lives are in shreds. The pain is all around me, soaking into me. The pain is consuming me and radiating through me.
Worst of all, I have come to a new realization. This trial is not the end. This trial is only the beginning.
My stomach hurts.
I'm sedated.
My feet are in constant motion, which interests me in a detached sort of way. In the past, whenever I've had surgery, or had a baby, or endured some very painful event, my feet start to fidget. I'll be laying in a hospital bed, and I notice it: I've been moving my feet, moving, moving, moving...constant motion without even realizing it. Whenever it happens, I know I'm in trouble, the pain is out of control.
That's how I'm beginning to feel. My pain is getting out of control. But this time there are no narcotics for me. No morphine, no demerol, no temporary oblivion.
It's more than the fear, the fear of testifying. This pain is in reliving the murder; the murder of one friend and the annihilation of another. The pain of realizing that so many lives are in shreds. The pain is all around me, soaking into me. The pain is consuming me and radiating through me.
Worst of all, I have come to a new realization. This trial is not the end. This trial is only the beginning.
posted by Juanita at
10:09 AM
2 Comments:
A friend of mine sent me a email today - it simply ended with this -
There is a light at the end of that tunnel - do not lose sight of it.
Stay strong - you can do this!
I wish I knew what to say, or how to help you; I can only say that I am thinking of you, and that I hope this beginning that at the moment seems to only be ripping open all the old wounds again is really a beginning of the healing that is to come.
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