PTSD
So my friend Michelle...she thinks I should seek counseling. She mentions "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." Hmmmmm. Shit. She's probably right.
But...
I don't really want to see a counselor. I don't want to spend the money, (of course it's not covered, and of course, it's expensive.) I don't want to dig in my wounds, bloody myself up again.
But...
It's probably bad that I'm really starting to need alcohol every day. Granted, only at dinner time, and then it's usually just a couple of beers. But I crave that physical sensation of feeling the weight lifted, if only for an hour or two.
I keep thinking that someday this will not occupy my mind 24/7.
How can I not hate somebody who has hurt me this badly? Where is the anger? I can't find it. Everybody else hates him. But I can't. Not now. Maybe not ever. I know too much to hate him. It's easier when you don't know, then you can believe whatever you want. You can hate with impunity. You can create and imagine all kinds of horrible things. You can see the worst. The lines are clean and simple, black and white. There is no gray area of compassion for the human being that existed before the crime.
I am hurt. Michelle's right. I am so badly damaged. I've been blown to pieces, too.
But...
I don't really want to see a counselor. I don't want to spend the money, (of course it's not covered, and of course, it's expensive.) I don't want to dig in my wounds, bloody myself up again.
But...
It's probably bad that I'm really starting to need alcohol every day. Granted, only at dinner time, and then it's usually just a couple of beers. But I crave that physical sensation of feeling the weight lifted, if only for an hour or two.
I keep thinking that someday this will not occupy my mind 24/7.
How can I not hate somebody who has hurt me this badly? Where is the anger? I can't find it. Everybody else hates him. But I can't. Not now. Maybe not ever. I know too much to hate him. It's easier when you don't know, then you can believe whatever you want. You can hate with impunity. You can create and imagine all kinds of horrible things. You can see the worst. The lines are clean and simple, black and white. There is no gray area of compassion for the human being that existed before the crime.
I am hurt. Michelle's right. I am so badly damaged. I've been blown to pieces, too.
posted by Juanita at
9:58 AM
6 Comments:
To be able to step back and say "I see how that could happen, I can understand how a person, a good person even, could get to that point, that point of no return where they do something horrifying" -it sets you above the average person I believe, I also believe that in doing so it sets you apart from them, alienates you.
Can you seek a support group? Therapy may not be the best in a case like this because, I don't know, I just think that being around people that have been through whatever you have would be able to help you more.
It IS very unusual for a someone to never address the 'anger' part of the healing/greiving process. Maybe you just haven't gotten there yet. Maybe the trial will help cement everything. Maybe you will never go through that phase.
I just think from your posts that a little talking to someone, anyone outside of those who went through this with you may help you.
Anyway, hope something I said makes sense. I don't believe I happened upon your blog by accident, I think we are guided towards things in this world. I am praying for you.
'Savannah'
I want to second everything Savannah said, but she put it so much clearly than I could have. I do hope you can find a support group or someone you can talk to. I think of you every day.
I have never been through what you have - and I am a God fearing man - I blieve we must forgive - but that does not mean forget - Savannah you hit the nail on the head.
After my divorce I took a ball bat and beat the hell out of a tree - then I sit and cried for awhile - made me feel better - but be careful - it will blister your hands.
What the hell! You've been back for a while and you're only just telling me now!!!!!!!!!!
Talking is the best thing...to one person or a group. I am in charge of our Critical Incident Stress Debriefing peer support group with my fire department and I have found, as have the firefighters, that maybe at first they are reluctant to talk yet they always come back and say what a help it was to express their feelings and then realize that others feel the same and that it is "ok" to feel that way. By talking you are decompressing your held in feelings and emotions and releasing them ..man I sound like a shrink .... and I'm just meerly a firefighter that cares about my friends!
Thanks you guys, for all your caring words. It will probably come down to me getting some kind of therapy at some point. Damn! But that will have to wait until after the trial. I'm worthless until then. I've got the attention span of a flea. Aren't you glad I'm not your nurse this week?
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