Hurt, Continued.
You know, I thought I would feel better when the trial was over. I really did. I thought I would feel relief. I thought it would bring closure.
None of that happened. I feel as bad...maybe worse than ever.
I don't think anybody can appreciate the nuances of this situation until they've experienced it. There are so many secrets and lies, so much paranoia that festers and brews. There are two sides, the victim's and the perpetrator's. And you are forced to choose a side, no matter how much you try and resist.
I can't help but feel anger. Anger at the people who look at me accusingly. Anger at people who have spread vicious lies, lies with the potential to destroy my life. Anger at people who played with fire and got us all burned. Anger at people who couldn't control their fucking temper and get help when it was offered to them on a silver platter. Anger at people who responded to my sincere gestures with a slap in the face. Anger at those who don't make an effort to understand my feelings. Anger at people who continue to manipulate me and control my actions. Anger at myself for ever becoming involved in this mess.
Thank God for my sisters.
Thank God for Paul.
Thank God for all those people who have supported me through this mess.
None of that happened. I feel as bad...maybe worse than ever.
I don't think anybody can appreciate the nuances of this situation until they've experienced it. There are so many secrets and lies, so much paranoia that festers and brews. There are two sides, the victim's and the perpetrator's. And you are forced to choose a side, no matter how much you try and resist.
I can't help but feel anger. Anger at the people who look at me accusingly. Anger at people who have spread vicious lies, lies with the potential to destroy my life. Anger at people who played with fire and got us all burned. Anger at people who couldn't control their fucking temper and get help when it was offered to them on a silver platter. Anger at people who responded to my sincere gestures with a slap in the face. Anger at those who don't make an effort to understand my feelings. Anger at people who continue to manipulate me and control my actions. Anger at myself for ever becoming involved in this mess.
Thank God for my sisters.
Thank God for Paul.
Thank God for all those people who have supported me through this mess.
posted by Juanita at
9:05 AM
4 Comments:
You've always been there for me. There is no one in this world that is a more true friend than you.
One thing you might want to ponder is that you feel worse now because the trial IS over. That is, before the trial you held your breath. You waited and waited. Now, you're letting it all out.
Hopefully, as the weeks wear on it'll get better and better as you fume, let go, fume some more, and let go.
Girl, you have to email me and tell me more. Or maybe we could talk sometime. I want to know more about this thing.
I'm just so sorry...and you know why.
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