Five weeks.

Five weeks.

Depositions are starting. This I have heard from a reliable source. The trial is in exactly five weeks. Five weeks? Is that all the time it takes? I think that's amazing. I have the distinct impression that very little has been done up to now. The indictment was handed down in May of 2005 and ever since then it has been a waiting game. A very long, very painful waiting game.

Is it really possible to prepare for a murder trial in five weeks?

Sometimes I toy with the thought that I will not receive a subpoena. The idea that I won't have to testify at the trial is so tantalizing...and so unrealistic. No, I will be forced to recall and re-live everything.

The worst-case scenario would be having to testify without being deposed. As awful as it is to be deposed, (unfortunately I know this) I must have the deposition. I cannot go into the trial without any preparation.

Sometimes I look at my passport, I hold it in my hand. I count up my available funds. I fantasize about disappearing; taking a very long vacation. For now, I have not received a summons. I am free to "vacation" anytime, anywhere. Except that I can't. And I know it. And they know it, too.

This was my dream last night

Last night, I dreamed that I was being hunted down by someone with a shotgun. I remember curling into a ball, beside my bed, and there was blood all over the walls. Somehow I knew that the person with the gun was going to find me, even if he had to shoot through the walls and ceilings to get me. He had already killed someone else, there was blood everywhere; now he was coming for me. I woke up, but it took me a long time to calm down. I kept thinking I could hear footsteps downstairs, and I was thinking of that shotgun, which could easily rip a hole right through the downstairs ceiling. Then it would be my blood all over the walls. I didn't know if the burglar alarm was on or not. Somehow I managed to go back to sleep.

My next dream was about a murder trial. I was looking for a certain defendant, but I couldn't find him. And I was thinking, "how could you do this to me?"

A sign of hope

I'm creating this blog today as a sign of hope. The hope that I will be able to begin my recovery in eight short weeks.

To witness something incredibly sad, something traumatic and horrible, is a weight. A weight and a burden that is so hard to bear. Forced to relive the event daily, hourly, and more... And to remain in limbo, waiting for a trial to begin, so that my testimony can be spewed out for all to experience is a special kind of torture. Can anyone possibly understand?

Anyway, I can't write or say much as I wait. But I'll keep this blog, and I might make an entry or two in the coming weeks. Mostly, though, it's a sign of hope. Someday I'll be free to express myself without fear.